so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
