jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize