Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
