just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
