just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
