woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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