I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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