dude i'm inner monologue high
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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