Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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