My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
