I can text with my tongue
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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