At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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