Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
