i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
