i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
