I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
