I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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