I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My ass is underappreciated
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
