Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
