i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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