It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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