Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
