me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
