i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
