i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize