who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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