Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
