Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize