i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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