I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
