P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
