I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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