My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
