I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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