I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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