I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sorry about my life...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
