I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
