I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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