never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just pee around me
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
