Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
