I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
