The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
