haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
