If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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