NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
