woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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