We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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