She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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