no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
