i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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