theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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