I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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