i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
