i was born a porn star she said
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Vodka?
Forever.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
