Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
