My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
