I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
