I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
