Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
