I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
