I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
